Sorry been busy with Teddy's visit and also..we're moving to a new apartment =)

"Tomiko?"
"I'm up now..I-I-I'm u-up.." I yawned lifting up my head, surveying the room and dunked down again, sleeping. "No I'm not.." I muttered. Then it became silence..and then again shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Shaking. How i hated that vibration. "You aren't."
Who was such a voice? Who?
Maxime?
"I am!"

"You aren't. Now get up s'il te plait."
"Why for? I don't feel so well....." I moaned moving a little. I snapped the sheets off and struggled up with the nonexistent towel. Somehow I'd be more naked and more vulnerable at sake with this unknown person in the room. But i probably figured it out.  Charlotte
 Why had she dared to come here without any permission either? Maxime was rather particular about people just popping into his room and especially when i knew he'd dislike it all. He couldn't of given permission; I never let Tomoyuki into my room when i was growing up and even now. Even now I shut the door on him. Privacy was privacy and everything..so to find her here unannounced shoecked me but not enough to wake me up.  Sleep and tons of it.

"you have to get up."
"i don't. You're my mother so i don't answer to you..but on the other hand..I haven't--but I won't be--"
"Hush."
Harshness. the edge of it. "Don't tell me to hush and why in the hell's bells are you in here bothering me? I don't mean to be rube but..you are clearly annoying me.."
I wondered if she did this on purpose. Her break in was enough but i still wasn't ready to comply. Not to her once i had independence and freedom in me. And the will to say no as I did more frequently. I could of screamed and slapped her; telling her to stop being here such a bitch or else but i was cordial and detached with those savage emotions. "I do not mean it."

"Please I do not feel well."
"but you must get up because we shall have dinner guests.."
"Dinner?" Puzzled.
Had I been-?
and las
Then the bombshell.
"you've been here all day."

WTF?!!!!!
Been here all day? What? How could that be? How could it?!!! Surely it was impossible..and i surely thought it couldn't be too late in the day but close to dinner? Unless the Robespierres had the twisted sense of dinner being on the afternoon mark... but i highly doubted that view. But why let me sleep all this time, naked and in sheets? Why hadn't Maxime or Augustin gotten me?
Did they forget about me?
I sniffed, faking tears. "Why-? Why hasn't-? Why hasn't anyone-?!"
"Look at yourself."

I shot my eyes open and examined moi. I came to realized i wasn't naked as i plaintly thought then why did i keep feeling my bare skin? Somehow i was clothed in a beautiful long white silk gown that had tiny ribbons latched in the center of my breasts.; and that i had been tucked securely inside. the bouquet stationed besides me, crumpled and rose petals scattered on the pillow and floor. and lastly the towel was folded nicely at the foot of the bed. Then Charlotte bent and spoke tenderly. "because you've had a fever."
Fever? I was sick? how so? Sick?

"How do you kno-?"
"Because your forehead. We've been up here checking on you..every minute..and we figured to let you rest but.."
I shook my head. Why get up then? Why the need for it? Why if i was feverish? I'd be pretty useless for dinner..I never really ate when I had fevers..it meant..I was sick..sick and unable to hold much down. But why was Charlotte caring so much? Surely she couldn't worry for someone she disliked.

Why?
Why was she kind?
And what did she mean by "we've"?
Surely it was only Maximilien and Augustin, right?
not her, right?

I couldn't really decide her pretext for wanting to show this kindness; because almost sudden, the symptoms of my fever evolved into a splitting horrible headache (which was unlike any other) and just ickyness all over. My stomach too. I decided to ask her out front and hopefully it gets resolved as best as i could. "Why do you care anyhow?I don't mean to be rude but I know we can't stand each other one bit and today i'm surprised to any of your kindness that i must believe you have a motive-"
"I don't. I do care whether you see it or not."
For the many weeks being here, Charlotte and I played cordial to each other, not releashing our ill will..we were very grownup to it. No bickering. No fighting. But i believed that night I confronted Charlotte and my ill opinion of me..that didn't help much but it had to be done for me..For me. 
"Charlotte, do you still have a problem with me? Because i can see you still do-"
"Honestly too."
"I do mademoiselle-"

I fumed. She bent upright and crossed her arms, looking very devious and undeserving herself. That tone..that tone..I wanted to scream and slap her and call her a damn bitch! a damn bitch that should stop being so judgemental and hateful. Maximilien wasn't at all like her. It screamed-her manners-did and it screamed all over the place. But hadn't she heard anything I'd said that night in Bapaume?
"Whatever, you will have to deal with me later on..because i'll be your sister-in-law. That should please you Charlotte."
She grunted, almost freaking out. Why did i put so much into her?
Because she'd be family soon enough.. "Then i shall give you something-a piece of advice..I don't want any of your manners. You can have them. So stop pretending. Stop it. Keep your damn manners to yourself! Because underneath them, you hide hate enough to hurt your own family.! So keep it. And go away. I no longer want you here..go away.."

How rude of me! But i did have the nerve, the attitude, the strength to stop her from lying anymore. And if she was to follow it, then everyone would see her unjust, full of malice. I had nothing to hide anymore and she wouldn't bother me when i had a fever as i did. Not as crappy as i felt now either. Forget royal dignity. Forget it.
"Go away now."
I wasn't hiding anymore and she shouldn't.
"You wish for me to stop pretending mademoiselle? Do you wish for it? Do you?!"
She got very rigid and unnerving and the redness swallowed her face. She could be mad too and i wouldn't dare go to her point at anger. She could hate me as she did and i'd live. I'd live. I refused again to acknowledge her with my eyes but i heard everything she said..."If i do.if you are so en-"
"This is my house."

Rage building. her about to scream at me, but no i got her first; up, hurting, dizzy but focused on my target and i channeled that anger. "IT'S NOT MORE YOUR HOUSE THEN AUGUSTIN OR MAXIMILIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU FORGET THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU! YOU STUPID BITCH!!! DON'T YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I bellowed twitching my head and my eyes in a menacing way. I didn't care.
Her rattling on me when i was sick was enough..enough..and no one would ever dare threaten me on such grounds. I wasn't to be treated with disrespect because she wished to break up my relationship. i wasn't.

It had culimated (sp) in this house..in this..in these minutes..name-calling too. my special brand. But i was in a roll..and wasn'ts giving that up.
"AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO EITHER! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HEAR ME CHARLOTTE ROBESPIERRE??!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU HATE ME THEN SAY SO BUT I'M NOT GOING AWAY!!!! I'M NOT!!! I LOVE-I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BROTHER! WE'RE IN LOVE AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR APPROVAL!!!!!! I DO NOT!
"DON'T BE MISTAKEN!! AND WE'LL GET MARRIED AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOTHING! SO GET OVER YOURSELF AND ACCEPT ME ALREADY!! GET OVER IT!!!"

i collasped exhausted and crying..the tears stinging my eyes refusing to stop. My heart was going to stop working, stop beating because i couldn't hold it in anymore. I cradled my head and rocked over, agonzing my dire headache. I couldn't anymore.
Charlotte retained away, refusing words and whimpering herself. maybe i did it for nothing..nothing..but i had to get through to her. To her, for some hope maybe. I couldn't hold myself together, nor display any queenly dignity nor grace to fix this situation. Nothing could be fixed. She knew it and i confronted her with it too. then the 2 Robespierre brothers came to check on us-the bnoise and my shouting probably-both stunned at our crying. Our pain was to be known. To be. Maximilien rushed to my position and slung me up and held tenderly. ..oh my caring lover..He was clueless to this but Augustin wasn't.Augustin had to always keep Charlotte and I on good terms and out of the lime light from Maxime, not to plague him yet Bon-Bon failed today. He failed for the first time ever. And Maximilien wondered.

"I don't feel good." I whined.
"So what was that about?"
I swallowed hard and didn't look in his eyes.
"Don't be mad but Maxime i say this to you..because you should know.."
"Tomiko.."
"Thank you for the flowers and..and..Charlotte and I are fighting."
What was the impact suppose to be?

His green eyes gazed over me..then rested when he embraced tighter. "you have? Over what?"
"She doesn't approve of me. She hates me..she's hated me since we've met. And i didn't tell you this because you'd blame yourself and it could be possibly what i'd known...but it is.." More tear build up. More. those difficult words. More so. I pained all over. And i still worried what others thought. I had to be stupid.
Stupid really.
I still worried.
I then burst into tears and buried my head on his chest and surprisely he kissed my head and patted my back. All reassuring.
I couldn't think of Charlotte when i hurt so much..when i was so sick. But it hurt. Hurt.
Pain.
Pain
All of it
All of it
then
then
then.





         I woke up again but instead of the room, the couch in the living room and instead of my night gown..I was still in my white ruffled muslin chemise gown that now had ribbons tied at my elbows' matching my now new green shash.Again sheets were tucked in and again i felt dizzy and achy; no where near the word better. "How are you doing miko-chan?"
Bon-Bon! My heart fluttered.My brother-in-law..could he tell me that everything before was a dream? A wandering one? One that didn't involve me crushing on someone else? Nut strangely though I wasn't thinking about it, it still came out of my mouth. "how is Charlotte?" He went pale-faced but ignored it. Though i disliked her immensly and had the strangest expression of clouding on me but it did. And it was the strangest emotion for me to say but i did it all in face and i absent-mindedly wandered if my concern was to ment things; because i couldn't go through the rest of the trip like this. "Tomiko-she's-she's-" he wailed his arms but he answered nothing. If this was challenging then the other should be part of the cake. "What about Maximilien?" This I could get. Men were less puzzling then women. it has always been so. Even now..even here.."He's upset but still recieving the guests in the dining room, like Charlotte."
"How upset?"

My face went downcasted and the fear of tears threatened my face, my cheeks and my withering strength. My fever was getting to me. I couldn't even lay up without complaining of vertigo and the acute feeling of nasuea. But despite the sickness, i still had to be presentable to our guests..thus the gown..it could be explained that way. It could. Did Charlotte do this to me? To me?  Bon-Bon sighed appearing trouble, probably not wanting to discuss the fragile situation in the household. But i wanted..I wanted..."He hates fighting, especially when it is so close to him. You and Charlotte. He believed you two were the greatest pals-that you two weren't like this and..and.."
"Bullcrap Bon-Bon, you know."
He sighed defeated by this sheer fact. "I know. I know miko.  i know all too well."
"Well can you now answer me about Charlotte?"
He paused.

"There's nothing to say about her. She's been blank all evening after..no emotion..that can't be good..but you must of said something that shook her-that bad..so bad..out miko-chan, we musten think of that now! You're still feverish!!!"
I nodded. I nodded.
"Yeah, but for how much? What's my temp?"
He shrugged.
"Can't you find out?"
Another shrug
I had forgotten that he couldn't because they didn't have thermeters in this time period and that upset me slightly; though i was in no way going to be able to do much, for i believed i'd be like this. "Augustin, wet a cloth, cold water; fold it and put in on my forehead. It shall help to bring my fever down."
"Ok."

He obliged, leaving me stranded on the couch thinking..thinking..thinking about pauvre Charlotte.
nothing at all.
No expression?
Why should i care?
She squashed my feelings, hurt me so and still fakes that we're okay. I wasn't to be lied to. nothing at all. my parents and Tomoyuki already did it enough..so why let another person? her own attitude began affecting me.and with a fever..being..i could hardly think straight yet she made me feel ashamed  and naked infront of everyone in the entire world...humiliation at its best..like Marie Antoinette..i had been now forced to take everything off..with great sadness. So why should i care for her?
Despite the fact she'd be part of my new family..


So i laid here desparetly dying as Augustin came back with the wet cloth and putting it on its designated area. Before i went back to sleep, i instructed him to take away some of the blankets and leave me with the thinnest sheet ever and also to keep checking up on me and changing the cloth. with his agreement, i fell uneasily into sleep.

"How are you doing?"
I struggled to wake, or get up for that matter but it wouldn't shake. "Augustin..go get my bag..no..go get my brother..call him on my cellphone..can you do it?"
"Tomiko."
Okay he didn't know what a cellphone was but i had to call my brother because i needed medicine. the fever had to go. Was he confused though? I shook my head making him stop. Though i had no sense of the time, i wasn't about to guess upon it. My head was in excurtiing horror, so even when i slept it barely subsided. "Just get me my bag, okay?"
"Sure." he reached behind himself on the floor and presented my bag upward. I took it by the strap and dragged it on my lap where i sat up but everything spinned so much; i quit and went back down. My hands latched inside; and though a series of pockets out came my cellphone. I opened it up, dialed for my brother and put it to my ear.

Each ring only anguished me more. I moaned flapping to my side making the cloth fall off. More ringing. Why not pick it up? He had to!
I needed the favor!
then finally..Tomoyuki

So i wasted no time in telling me and he agreed to sent over the fever reducer medicine and strong pain pills. I cheered inside once i hung up; and dropped my phone beneath slowly. "Tomiko?"
"Is Robespierre mad at me? Is that why he hasn't come?"
"Tomiko."
Totally unfair but had to be asked. Bon-Bon like his sister refused to comment and once again I was left in the dark. Damn it. What could i do? Not much really but what?
What?
What?

"Can you answer this instead? Where is Maximilien?"
Again i was afraid to be nipped in the bud by the lack of any answer yet..yet.."Tomiko."
"Bon-Bon, why can't you tell me anything?"
Frantic i was becoming. Panicky too. He noticed and went over to hush me. To calm me, to stop me from becoming a disaster . "I'm sorry soeur." He said simply kissing my cheek but it wasn't the same. I'm sorry? Sorry? Sorry?

Not the same. "he's mad isn't he?" I now had to accept the worst possibility ever. Maximilien hated me for hurting his sister and him not being here meant he ended it. "he hates me?" Then of course I looked at my promise ring, no longer filled with joy but deepen hardness and broken dreams...broken promises. My heart was cracking then..and it did more as i grew enraged by his ignorance and ill will. "No, no..he doesn't-"

Oh good Augustin-Bon-Bon..always trying to heal and console me so when i was down as I was. He couldn't placate anymore..not anymore. I wouldn't accept that Charlotte won and Maxime had lied to me. Lied about my sort of future.
So i was another victim.

Another scam.
I wouldn't accept it!
Not at all!
He loved me! He loved me!
I could feel it when he kissed me..kissed me as he did and his gentle touching..all over..all of that...that kind of devotion..the melting of our hearts together...the stopping of any reality outside ourselves. No revolutions. None. None..the cuddling..the night he came and got me from Danton's house and i was drunker than anything.
What about everything?
Everything?
Everything?!!!!!!!!!!!

The years in Versailles ..then in Paris..my foot..everything..everything! The man that inspirsed me to find myself and finally help me have my own life...giving me the courage giving me the chance to mature, to grow..and stand up..and say no.
So what of everything?!!!
Those 2 years?!!!!!!
Those precious 2 years?!!!
Why give up now?!
Why not?!!
Had his fondness left?!

Infront of Augustin; I cried and screamed together, mixing them together, and becoming a banshee or a dying animal. How he wanted me no more! I'd have to accept those 2 years were great but it was over..over..over..
"He does Augustin.!!"
"Tomiko, that's not it at all.."

I observed him. He teared up resisting any urge to touch me, to hold me away from these accusisations; even if he did, my mind and heart would coutinue to hurt worse than my heacaches. Then my illness. Anything. Pauvre anything. "Then what is it Bon-Bon?! Why can't you tell me?" I exclaimed inbetween sobs. Inbetween my overreaction. "Tomiko, don't overreact-calm, please." Soothing. How he tried to trick me..how he..
"Tomiko, I can't tell you, unless you calm..and stop crying.."
"H-How c-can I?"

"Just stop aqnd i'll answer everything."
So that was it? Was it? I glanced at Bon-Bon through my glassy sparkling tears. Was i getting ahead of myself? Of myself? But could i really calm? Or did i just want to keep crying because emotional pain mixed with physical; the worse sort too-the flu; no doubt. Damn it. Damn it. I slowly obeyed and whatever strain he carried vanished from his crinkled up face.I had given up the struggle and Marie-Antoinette I accepted the tradition in my new home. "That's better. Much better. I can work with you a lot better."
"Tell me." I demanded weakly.

My position like the queen was on flimsy grounds according to Maxime's romantic history, unless it could be verfied as such. "Well..where do i start?"
"Earlier today with Charlotte."

"You mean yesterday."
Oh that was right. I wasn't tracking the time. Nor the day because every waking moment was one real experience to me. The gaps whether over long periods weren't any concern because i wasn't in them at all.
"Well Maxime, as i told you yesterday..he was really upset and after dinner, after you were sleeping; he came to you. Of course I stayed at your side and noticed him holding up, as wanting to gather you and kiss you and barely said much to me. From his words.. I thought at the beginning he was disappointed..but my opinion changed as he spoke more tenderly about you.

"He asked me if I had known and I answered all so truthfully as I could and I made sure to impress on him that i was natural. But i came to your defense and told him, while you showed true kindness to Charlotte; she only rejected it and you got hurt by so. And the reminding that you were never ever good enough and you were a foreigner.."
the worse.
Most defintely.
I wanted to ask more but i struggled to do so.
"then he left and went to tend to Charlotte. So after that I haven't seen him. Charlotte eitehr. But i assure you dear soeur that he loves you!! he still is fond of you and cares deeply too. I know after that..and i bet he's worried more because you're sick dreadfully."

Bon-Bon wouldn't steer me wrong.
He wouldn't.
I trusted him to be as truthful to me.
I trusted Bon-Bon..
I trusted him tellknig me, asserting me that Robespierre-no Maxime loved me ever still more. And all previous thoughts of him breaking up with me seemed distant but where was he? Where had he gone?
"Is that all?"
Weaker and meeker. I sighed as he nodded, though i could sense there was more to say but in my delicate condition, he wouldn't risk it. Not to see me freakout. Tell me when i was better but how long would i be sick?
How long?
I drifted off exasperated but relieved without the rest of the details known. relieved i was still loved.