“I guess I was wrong for shouting so much, Charlotte.”

All wrongs..all I knew I had. She did too. It was both our faults..and no longer did I deny. “being as difficult as you.” I spoke above Maxime and presented myself to her vulnerable. She should do the same…

I didn’t look at Charlotte either.

I looked at Maxime.

“No Tomiko.”

“Maxime..”

I wanted him! I wanted to kiss him so precious like! I gave no tears because they streak down my make-up, fogging me up. “We will let you two talk.”

“Who? What?”

“Charlotte and you.”

“Maxime!” I exclaimed and he paused a moment and then started up and left with Augustin to the other room. I was in awed..totally..his eyes were all my confirmation to all. To all and seeing him surprised me indeed. Charlotte whisked into Bon-Bon’s old spot and suddenly we caught each other. I had started it off..though forgiveness could be a long way off.

“You heard me, right?”

It would be more difficult to repeat them to her alone, without the support of either Robespierre men. “I did.” She smiled again. What did it mean? The smile? Should I come out and say it? To take it out from my mouth all I was thinking? “I’m sorry.” I studied her after I dropped it.

And she hardly changed, except a little but those little changes still made all the difference. Her expression had been somber(the smiles did nothing to change this) and the corners of her lips twitched to my imagination perhaps. She was as stubborn as Maxime but could she accept my apology? Was it in her nature to do so?

Could she?

Could she?

“Mademoiselle..”

How could the ice be broken between us? How formal and disappointing. Could she break free? Could she? Could she? I prayed to myself..then my headache acted up and I pressed the cloth wishing I could of gotten stronger medicine but it was okay..i could live with it.

“you look nice..”

Oh.

Disappointment.

I frowned.

She couldn’t be wrong either.

“And I do apologize for my manners. I guess I must accept our places. Maximilien loves you.” Damn straight he did. Damn straight he did..our feelings were beyond politics, beyond revolutions and beyond reality.  But it was her mistake, her fault for blurring love to other things totally unrelated. Her fault for lashing out what couldn’t be said..and now..I’d have to accept this fault.

No, I wouldn’t

No, I wouldn’t.

She could apologize..she could but..but..

“Apologize all you want. I don’t want it.”

Virtual suicide. My own family suicide. Too bad repercussions were to be felt from this day but I wouldn’t burden myself for her own doing. I wouldn’t.

Her face transformed.

It was better to keep her guessing. Better so..

“What?”

I cleared my throat. “You heard me. You made the mistake of doing so. The mistake that you could deter me from him. That mistake I won’t pay for. That mistake you should lie for, until one day you’re in love..then you’ll see Charlotte. You’ll see. You’ll see all that I’m talking about. But though I won’t accept your apology, I shall be kind to you….”

Meaning that I shall respect her, no matter and keep any advice she gave close to my mind..yet..yet..despite that I wouldn’t get close to her. I could see her as she was and I wanted no part of it. Toobad I couldn’t block her out fully..too bad..

“I shall be your sister and that is all.”

I realized then I had taken charge of this situation and I was ending it. I had refused to glance at her expression because honesty I wanted it to be a mystery as I walked out from her. Despite my physical ailments, I rose up and dispelled all she hoped to make.

“Tomiko-“
“It’s mademoiselle, isn’t it?” I crisply attacked, fixing and fixing all she’d done. Fixing what she hurt. She hurt not only me but the whole concept of love. I refused to compromise anymore, not with her. I was through. Through with it all. “I’m sorry but you hurt too much. I forgive you..but..I can’t be-I can’t be..more than your sister. I’ll hold everything dear but that’s all..that’s all..”

Respect. Manners. I didn’t have a problem anymore. Not anymore. Now she needed to mature, more than me.

I she didn’t accept my love with Robespierre, then I wanted nothing to do with her. Nothing; and she could, beg or whine but my mentality was there. Her fault for not recognizing love as it is.

“You’re sick!” She exclaimed.

I snapped my head to see her pale cheeks. “So? It’s mademoiselle Charlotte. It’s over..”

“It can’t be! It can’t be!”
“Now if you excuse me..adieu dear soeur..”

I flipped back from her and headed back..

“TOMIKO!!!!”

Let it be forgotten..

Let it..

Then I saw the petrified figures of both Robespierre brothers, both ashed face and horrified I refused the olive brance. But it didn’t dawn on me..

It didn’t hurt me..and it wouldn’t.

 

End of book 4

 

In Arras and abroad, I had triumphed both personally and professionally with everyone thus making me a stronger person, less dependent on others to always help me. And I felt great, enriched by this experience and healthier (my flu only lasted a week) and suddenly I missed Paris; all my friends there and even the revolution.

Even that.

 

Even on this vacation..but as I knew this was the only time that I could enjoy the liberty of being alive, away from revolutions and stress. So after the weeks of my little confrontation with Charlotte, I was better, always out on the streets of Arras either beside me was Augustin or Maxime or both! But out on my crutches, still undeterred and ready to face any challenge. But tonight was special because  a bash, a party was thrown ..and lots of people were there yet I wasn’t inside to delight over it. I was outside by the fountain of Neptune; the moon shining full and the streets empty. And gathered with me was the closest people in my entire world.

 The others were in my heart and they shared it also. Gathered on the sides, dancing around forgetting about the trouble of any

country..of this one. I was new to this country, a bride to be. A bride already entereing her new home.

 

“Look at me!” Bon-bon cried twirling and doing all sorts of tricks making everyone a bit nervous but silly. “You’re silly.” I laughed pointing at him. Maximilien, in doing something not like himself, laid down and begged me with his eyes to come. I came and spread myself out, to the moon. To it. We could be here all night long..we could..we could be trapped in the gaze of the moon..and nothing would be wrong with that..Nothing. Nothing. I heard shouts from my dear Bon-Bon, so I occasionally glimpsed to spy at his dirty antics. They always put a smile to my face.

My face. Face.

I promise that this will be updated in a few days =/ I've just been busy with work and will do it prolly on my next day off.

 

I promise!

 

Love

 

Ayumi

"I-It's cold.."
I shivered, complaining too in the face of my ashen brother-in-law. He sighed, carrying and depositing me in the tub in a giant leap. The water splashed all down the sides and onto the flood making them slippery-harazdous at best. But Augustin remained to help bathe me, though in a fit of decency and my modesty; i wore a flannel white, long sleeved shirt to help ease my mind.

"I'm sorry; your brother says i must in order to break your fever."

He was on his knees ,but well above in height to do more than see over. I grunted. "You don't always have to listen to him."

"Well I must because for one thing, this is only temperature for the water if you must know.." He stated sounding all scientific and important but i knew better..yet despite how horrible I felt, despite my troubles with this flu, i still couldn't be without a shower. I couldn't and besides the water healed me slightly and rejunevated balance back within my body. Balance.

Balance I needed.

"Ha real smart Bon-Bon." I joked chuckling a bit but refusing to go full scale because fear was there of overdoing it; as i'm known to do and what Augustin found out. So this situation was as relaxed as i could manage..no we bother could manage under teh circumstances. Under these circumstances he rallied behind me.

"Going under?"

"What? Oh..yeah.."

Then for the split second as i dunked; memories swarmed about the fountain and how i would of wanted to float in there forever, just to be free of things I didn't like about myself. I rose up, drenched and smiling for the first time. Though the water still chilled me...

chilled me good.

I desired warmth though, in the water anyhow but couldnt' get it because fevers weren't brought down with the warmth. Coldness prevailed. Coldness only in the water, not in the people. Not in them at all. Instead of leaning my head back, I went straight up bringing my knees to my face, very comforty like; lowering my face back into the water.

How i could stay forever.

In precious water

H20 wasw a miracle and to my life..to my life..

"Here you go."

He poured some cherry shampoo into my palms, then handed me a bar of soap in the other. I snorted and purposely dropped the bar in, then attacked my hair; grabbing it all and scooting the shampoo all through, all down the roots.

"Thank you.."

"De rien."

But insteading of washing my hair out afterwards, i began to style it in weird hairdos; like i'd done when i was a child. Augustin took notice but his numerous facial expressions; but being compounding with fever and aches did not make me wanna stop being myself. I shaped my hair together and made it into a point with a curly tip.

Enjoyment.

"Impressive soeur."

"It's nothing darling bro."

I then flatten my hair, yanked it together and out produced a mowhawk, which got him rolling on his back side and chortling indelightful laughter. My pleasure really. My pleasure really.."Oh Tomiko.."

I ducked back into the water, submerged and with my hands rinsing out the shampoo. "Oh Tomiko.." I reemerged cheerier than ever despite the pain. He had recovered adn reminded me of the soap. I searched for it and took  and scrubbed it on my body (to which the shirt covered also) but Augustin turned his back to give me the privacy and that of shaving also. I was blessed with his tender brotherly devotion. But missing Maximilien's...where was he? where was he at? "Wasn't that great-oh! You can look now. I'm all done."

"But wasn't it?"

Smile.

"It was soeur. But are you done?"

No, i wasn't.

No, i wasn't. I'd never be done with the water yet i couldn't linger behind in it. I couldn't.Did i have to face everything once i came out with my towel? Hmm..why'd it all be so difficult for me?

Maybe so.

Maybe so.

"Not yet Bon-Bon but..but..do you believe that Maximilien shall truly marry me?"

"I do or else he'd wouldn't put you to the trouble."

I submerged my head once more, then bolted up.

"I guess so.."

"It's true. Is that all?"

I smiled. how could it be all? How could it? "I'm done, get me a towel, s'il te plait!" I immediately jerked to my feet, my arms out waiting for dryness and it came once he drapped it around and took me out.

"Yes your majesty." He teased.

I wasn't a queen anymore. I wasn't. France already had a queen for its sakes. A royal family and besides i couldn't handle any of the etiquette imposed on the court. In versailles, I'd seen Marie Antoinette on a few occasions and i was always stuck how she was a really a monarch more than my dreams allowed. Picture perfect in complexion, perfect..dazzling but I wasn't any of those things. I wasn't. "Bon-Bon, don't play like that!"

"Miko-chan but it is fun! off to Maxime's room?"

"Yes off there."

He carried me upon his shoulders, through the corridors to my lover's room and flinged me on the bed niftly. "Do you wish for me to leave now? So you can dress?"

"I do but today i'm dressing differently.."

"Okay." He moved for the door, smiled and shut the door behind him. I wasn't any fashion dressing queen, diva or anything like that..but i got my point across and was grateful for it.  I t was after my bathing that i felt better and realized my fever had left me. It could still come back but i'd enjoy the time before its reappearance with my fellow companion Bon-Bon. In the house of course. I still wasn't ready to leave. Still sick..but i laid on the bed still achy and uncertain of my state; though i couldn't be sick forever nor naked, Bon-Bon would worry if i didn't come out as I'd said. SO i got up slowly, took my bag and got one of my dresses out and laid it on the bed as I simeloutes(sp) uncovered my soaked body. The towel I laid down was holding my shirt, preventing the water from getting on the bed, and i stared at it for a quick second before moving to put my underwear and bra on. NOrmally i hated dresses and always if offered the choice, I'd pick against; but these dresses were exquisite and darling and thus intrigued me.

But i wouldn't abandon my casual, informal style even for these dresses. No matter how stunning I was in them. they couldn't hold my appeal for them. But since I was sick, I wanted freedom and somehow pants, jeans, breechs weren't the way to go; Dresses for the first time appealed to me. Deeply so.

I put the dress on and moved to the mirror.

The dress was highly tight like a corset but its color screamed elegance-a peachy brown silk that matched my skin tone as a pale asian. And exquisite french lace edged all over to my sleeves, my almost bare shoulders and to seemingly in the dress itself. I put my hair up into a bun and wandered outside.

Though Bon-Bon was proving to the greatest friend I had in Arras, I missed Maximilien more. I missed him no doubt and it was a shame that Bon-Bon dind't know where he'd gone. So i could only speculate. DId he go on his mini-trips without me? Oh! Because If he..then i'd be upset and totally crushed by his lies, when he said i could come! It was a promise, a damn promise.

But where was he? Where did he go? Where? I kept that in my mentality, wondering on his location, as i came out without any suspicion leaning on me.  I wandered back to the living room and Augustin greeted me and took my hand and guided me towards the couch again.His precaution was to keep me down despite the absense of a fever now; the threat I wasn't done sparked this feeling, this devotion and i didn't complain though i was getting real sore(even being sick bugged me. I couldn't lie down for too long and this factor in me upset everyone who ever tended me) But i obeyed for besides my illness, i still had to contend with my foot.

I had to refuse to recently to ear the cast of now even more the crutches but those instances were rare..as i could now almost fully put the weight back on it. Now i wondered if consequences were in store for my neglectfulness. Probably so. Probably so.

"What?"

"Here is a pillow for your foot too."

He revealed teh small white pillow underneath teh sheets and i ginned and seated myself on teh couch. my foot rested comfortably.  Then i leaned back and the wet cold cloth went back on my forehead. The sheets were tucked so securely and tightly..

"Bon-Bon, you shouldn't do all this for me-"

He beamed and made a tiny seat beside me. His arms coiled around. "You need me soeur.."

"Bon-Bon!"

I shook my head.

Adjectives to this? Any? Indescribeable everyway..why would he feel he must-? He hugged me. I need him? Yes for right now...

"But Bon-Bon-"
"Nothing miko-chan." I stared at him like a freak perhaps nothing everything he's done. Like maxime, he was there. There ..was this how it felt to have a functional brother? Tomoyuki wouldn't do these things..except bringing me the medicine and i'd have to do it myself..but Bon-Bon deeply cared. Cared and if he was going to be my future brother-in-law then i was proud, and getting a very good deal. He calmed all my fears..but he couldn't calm me over my missing frenchman.

My dear Maximilien.
Oh Maximilien.

Silence followed then his darting eyes.

I grew a bit suspicious at this activity so i attacked him.

"What? What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing..you look just-"

"Is it too much? The dress?" I picked a bit of the lack between my 2 fingers and he looked at me funny. "Beautiful." I dropped every single thing and glimsped at my dear companion. Me? In this dress? "But it is missing something..I"ll go get it.." He rode up and vanished to one of the rooms.

Beautiful?

An asian beauty?

Was a asian okay to be as bride for a frenchman? Was she that beautiful? Was i? Was i?

Augustin returned with my make-up bag and other items that raised my eyebrows. "Sorry! I had to borrow this without your permission but it shall be fixed! You shall!" He roared all smiley and cheery. I shifted my eyes slightly.

"It's all right. Whatever you have to do."

"That's good I have such support."

He claimed his seat and put all his working materials in his lap and instantly i drew my face close. "Good, then we know that we're doing. Just as brilliant miko-chan.." He latched open all bags and got to work. I shut my eyes and then the make-up came on. He applied it slowly and softy with his brush; first my eyes which took awhile then he moved on. Like the surprise, he still wished to pamper me.

My darling Bon-Bon!

"Am i really beautiful?"

"Yes. Maximilien would die for you!"

The mere mention of his name..it sent my heat into a swivel and my breathing quicken...Would he-? Yes he would! I'd stun him..though too bad he never saw any of it..as i always seemed to get him..challenge all he'd known..good or bad.

Oh my heart. My heart..

If i could..if i could..I yearned to see him..to touch him..to feel him..and his kisses..so naturally i only went on the last memory. Lover just cured my pain..my bothering head..my patience..

"Did you take your medicine?"

"Yeah an hour ago. I have to wait four to six hours..to take the next dosage.."

"How are you feeling?"

The question paralyzed me. How was I? How was I to what?  what was he asking about exactly? my physically ailments or my emotional ones?  Even if he specified..what would i say-what would be my response to it? To any of that? I guess nothing really..nothing..I couldn't say on any level. "I can't."

" It's okay."

I waited like i had done in the palor.

Like with my surprise.

I waited hopefully that Augustin didn't ruin me.

Nah..

Nah..

I trusted him.

"Done. Look at yourself now.."

A mirror thrusted in my face and it was even more amazing then the surprise. Augustin had done a truly remarkable job! He should be a stylist! Hey i could tell him or let him follow his elder brotehr..his choice But i was gonna tell him anyways.

"YOU ARE AMAZING! I ADORE YOU! And I-I-I ADORE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!!!!!!!!" U screeched clapping my hands excited and being hugged continously so. He then backed off and bowed and bowed.

He had put a light and barely dark brown as my eyeshadow, blending them together. My cheeks splashed with pinkness not overdone-and my hair! He got my hair ever! Gorgeous trail of tan to white feathers decorated my bun. he should be a stylist! Why wasn't he?! Why? I turned to face him and instead..

 

...Maximlien De Robespierre..

 

My french lover..here..

My heart paused and no right emotion came to my surface. None. "Are you upset at me?" Was he going to talk to me or just stare? Was he going to acknowledge me all the way? I searched over him to find Charlotte and she was grinning.

I went back to my french man. What did it mean? What did her grin mean?
I got dizzy just then and rested my head back down, still confused.

The questions were taking my toll on my health it seemed but no one backed off.

Sorry been busy with Teddy's visit and also..we're moving to a new apartment =)

"Tomiko?"
"I'm up now..I-I-I'm u-up.." I yawned lifting up my head, surveying the room and dunked down again, sleeping. "No I'm not.." I muttered. Then it became silence..and then again shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Shaking. How i hated that vibration. "You aren't."
Who was such a voice? Who?
Maxime?
"I am!"

"You aren't. Now get up s'il te plait."
"Why for? I don't feel so well....." I moaned moving a little. I snapped the sheets off and struggled up with the nonexistent towel. Somehow I'd be more naked and more vulnerable at sake with this unknown person in the room. But i probably figured it out.  Charlotte
 Why had she dared to come here without any permission either? Maxime was rather particular about people just popping into his room and especially when i knew he'd dislike it all. He couldn't of given permission; I never let Tomoyuki into my room when i was growing up and even now. Even now I shut the door on him. Privacy was privacy and everything..so to find her here unannounced shoecked me but not enough to wake me up.  Sleep and tons of it.

"you have to get up."
"i don't. You're my mother so i don't answer to you..but on the other hand..I haven't--but I won't be--"
"Hush."
Harshness. the edge of it. "Don't tell me to hush and why in the hell's bells are you in here bothering me? I don't mean to be rube but..you are clearly annoying me.."
I wondered if she did this on purpose. Her break in was enough but i still wasn't ready to comply. Not to her once i had independence and freedom in me. And the will to say no as I did more frequently. I could of screamed and slapped her; telling her to stop being here such a bitch or else but i was cordial and detached with those savage emotions. "I do not mean it."

"Please I do not feel well."
"but you must get up because we shall have dinner guests.."
"Dinner?" Puzzled.
Had I been-?
and las
Then the bombshell.
"you've been here all day."

WTF?!!!!!
Been here all day? What? How could that be? How could it?!!! Surely it was impossible..and i surely thought it couldn't be too late in the day but close to dinner? Unless the Robespierres had the twisted sense of dinner being on the afternoon mark... but i highly doubted that view. But why let me sleep all this time, naked and in sheets? Why hadn't Maxime or Augustin gotten me?
Did they forget about me?
I sniffed, faking tears. "Why-? Why hasn't-? Why hasn't anyone-?!"
"Look at yourself."

I shot my eyes open and examined moi. I came to realized i wasn't naked as i plaintly thought then why did i keep feeling my bare skin? Somehow i was clothed in a beautiful long white silk gown that had tiny ribbons latched in the center of my breasts.; and that i had been tucked securely inside. the bouquet stationed besides me, crumpled and rose petals scattered on the pillow and floor. and lastly the towel was folded nicely at the foot of the bed. Then Charlotte bent and spoke tenderly. "because you've had a fever."
Fever? I was sick? how so? Sick?

"How do you kno-?"
"Because your forehead. We've been up here checking on you..every minute..and we figured to let you rest but.."
I shook my head. Why get up then? Why the need for it? Why if i was feverish? I'd be pretty useless for dinner..I never really ate when I had fevers..it meant..I was sick..sick and unable to hold much down. But why was Charlotte caring so much? Surely she couldn't worry for someone she disliked.

Why?
Why was she kind?
And what did she mean by "we've"?
Surely it was only Maximilien and Augustin, right?
not her, right?

I couldn't really decide her pretext for wanting to show this kindness; because almost sudden, the symptoms of my fever evolved into a splitting horrible headache (which was unlike any other) and just ickyness all over. My stomach too. I decided to ask her out front and hopefully it gets resolved as best as i could. "Why do you care anyhow?I don't mean to be rude but I know we can't stand each other one bit and today i'm surprised to any of your kindness that i must believe you have a motive-"
"I don't. I do care whether you see it or not."
For the many weeks being here, Charlotte and I played cordial to each other, not releashing our ill will..we were very grownup to it. No bickering. No fighting. But i believed that night I confronted Charlotte and my ill opinion of me..that didn't help much but it had to be done for me..For me. 
"Charlotte, do you still have a problem with me? Because i can see you still do-"
"Honestly too."
"I do mademoiselle-"

I fumed. She bent upright and crossed her arms, looking very devious and undeserving herself. That tone..that tone..I wanted to scream and slap her and call her a damn bitch! a damn bitch that should stop being so judgemental and hateful. Maximilien wasn't at all like her. It screamed-her manners-did and it screamed all over the place. But hadn't she heard anything I'd said that night in Bapaume?
"Whatever, you will have to deal with me later on..because i'll be your sister-in-law. That should please you Charlotte."
She grunted, almost freaking out. Why did i put so much into her?
Because she'd be family soon enough.. "Then i shall give you something-a piece of advice..I don't want any of your manners. You can have them. So stop pretending. Stop it. Keep your damn manners to yourself! Because underneath them, you hide hate enough to hurt your own family.! So keep it. And go away. I no longer want you here..go away.."

How rude of me! But i did have the nerve, the attitude, the strength to stop her from lying anymore. And if she was to follow it, then everyone would see her unjust, full of malice. I had nothing to hide anymore and she wouldn't bother me when i had a fever as i did. Not as crappy as i felt now either. Forget royal dignity. Forget it.
"Go away now."
I wasn't hiding anymore and she shouldn't.
"You wish for me to stop pretending mademoiselle? Do you wish for it? Do you?!"
She got very rigid and unnerving and the redness swallowed her face. She could be mad too and i wouldn't dare go to her point at anger. She could hate me as she did and i'd live. I'd live. I refused again to acknowledge her with my eyes but i heard everything she said..."If i do.if you are so en-"
"This is my house."

Rage building. her about to scream at me, but no i got her first; up, hurting, dizzy but focused on my target and i channeled that anger. "IT'S NOT MORE YOUR HOUSE THEN AUGUSTIN OR MAXIMILIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU FORGET THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU! YOU STUPID BITCH!!! DON'T YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I bellowed twitching my head and my eyes in a menacing way. I didn't care.
Her rattling on me when i was sick was enough..enough..and no one would ever dare threaten me on such grounds. I wasn't to be treated with disrespect because she wished to break up my relationship. i wasn't.

It had culimated (sp) in this house..in this..in these minutes..name-calling too. my special brand. But i was in a roll..and wasn'ts giving that up.
"AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO EITHER! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HEAR ME CHARLOTTE ROBESPIERRE??!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU HATE ME THEN SAY SO BUT I'M NOT GOING AWAY!!!! I'M NOT!!! I LOVE-I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BROTHER! WE'RE IN LOVE AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR APPROVAL!!!!!! I DO NOT!
"DON'T BE MISTAKEN!! AND WE'LL GET MARRIED AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOTHING! SO GET OVER YOURSELF AND ACCEPT ME ALREADY!! GET OVER IT!!!"

i collasped exhausted and crying..the tears stinging my eyes refusing to stop. My heart was going to stop working, stop beating because i couldn't hold it in anymore. I cradled my head and rocked over, agonzing my dire headache. I couldn't anymore.
Charlotte retained away, refusing words and whimpering herself. maybe i did it for nothing..nothing..but i had to get through to her. To her, for some hope maybe. I couldn't hold myself together, nor display any queenly dignity nor grace to fix this situation. Nothing could be fixed. She knew it and i confronted her with it too. then the 2 Robespierre brothers came to check on us-the bnoise and my shouting probably-both stunned at our crying. Our pain was to be known. To be. Maximilien rushed to my position and slung me up and held tenderly. ..oh my caring lover..He was clueless to this but Augustin wasn't.Augustin had to always keep Charlotte and I on good terms and out of the lime light from Maxime, not to plague him yet Bon-Bon failed today. He failed for the first time ever. And Maximilien wondered.

"I don't feel good." I whined.
"So what was that about?"
I swallowed hard and didn't look in his eyes.
"Don't be mad but Maxime i say this to you..because you should know.."
"Tomiko.."
"Thank you for the flowers and..and..Charlotte and I are fighting."
What was the impact suppose to be?

His green eyes gazed over me..then rested when he embraced tighter. "you have? Over what?"
"She doesn't approve of me. She hates me..she's hated me since we've met. And i didn't tell you this because you'd blame yourself and it could be possibly what i'd known...but it is.." More tear build up. More. those difficult words. More so. I pained all over. And i still worried what others thought. I had to be stupid.
Stupid really.
I still worried.
I then burst into tears and buried my head on his chest and surprisely he kissed my head and patted my back. All reassuring.
I couldn't think of Charlotte when i hurt so much..when i was so sick. But it hurt. Hurt.
Pain.
Pain
All of it
All of it
then
then
then.





         I woke up again but instead of the room, the couch in the living room and instead of my night gown..I was still in my white ruffled muslin chemise gown that now had ribbons tied at my elbows' matching my now new green shash.Again sheets were tucked in and again i felt dizzy and achy; no where near the word better. "How are you doing miko-chan?"
Bon-Bon! My heart fluttered.My brother-in-law..could he tell me that everything before was a dream? A wandering one? One that didn't involve me crushing on someone else? Nut strangely though I wasn't thinking about it, it still came out of my mouth. "how is Charlotte?" He went pale-faced but ignored it. Though i disliked her immensly and had the strangest expression of clouding on me but it did. And it was the strangest emotion for me to say but i did it all in face and i absent-mindedly wandered if my concern was to ment things; because i couldn't go through the rest of the trip like this. "Tomiko-she's-she's-" he wailed his arms but he answered nothing. If this was challenging then the other should be part of the cake. "What about Maximilien?" This I could get. Men were less puzzling then women. it has always been so. Even now..even here.."He's upset but still recieving the guests in the dining room, like Charlotte."
"How upset?"

My face went downcasted and the fear of tears threatened my face, my cheeks and my withering strength. My fever was getting to me. I couldn't even lay up without complaining of vertigo and the acute feeling of nasuea. But despite the sickness, i still had to be presentable to our guests..thus the gown..it could be explained that way. It could. Did Charlotte do this to me? To me?  Bon-Bon sighed appearing trouble, probably not wanting to discuss the fragile situation in the household. But i wanted..I wanted..."He hates fighting, especially when it is so close to him. You and Charlotte. He believed you two were the greatest pals-that you two weren't like this and..and.."
"Bullcrap Bon-Bon, you know."
He sighed defeated by this sheer fact. "I know. I know miko.  i know all too well."
"Well can you now answer me about Charlotte?"
He paused.

"There's nothing to say about her. She's been blank all evening after..no emotion..that can't be good..but you must of said something that shook her-that bad..so bad..out miko-chan, we musten think of that now! You're still feverish!!!"
I nodded. I nodded.
"Yeah, but for how much? What's my temp?"
He shrugged.
"Can't you find out?"
Another shrug
I had forgotten that he couldn't because they didn't have thermeters in this time period and that upset me slightly; though i was in no way going to be able to do much, for i believed i'd be like this. "Augustin, wet a cloth, cold water; fold it and put in on my forehead. It shall help to bring my fever down."
"Ok."

He obliged, leaving me stranded on the couch thinking..thinking..thinking about pauvre Charlotte.
nothing at all.
No expression?
Why should i care?
She squashed my feelings, hurt me so and still fakes that we're okay. I wasn't to be lied to. nothing at all. my parents and Tomoyuki already did it enough..so why let another person? her own attitude began affecting me.and with a fever..being..i could hardly think straight yet she made me feel ashamed  and naked infront of everyone in the entire world...humiliation at its best..like Marie Antoinette..i had been now forced to take everything off..with great sadness. So why should i care for her?
Despite the fact she'd be part of my new family..


So i laid here desparetly dying as Augustin came back with the wet cloth and putting it on its designated area. Before i went back to sleep, i instructed him to take away some of the blankets and leave me with the thinnest sheet ever and also to keep checking up on me and changing the cloth. with his agreement, i fell uneasily into sleep.

"How are you doing?"
I struggled to wake, or get up for that matter but it wouldn't shake. "Augustin..go get my bag..no..go get my brother..call him on my cellphone..can you do it?"
"Tomiko."
Okay he didn't know what a cellphone was but i had to call my brother because i needed medicine. the fever had to go. Was he confused though? I shook my head making him stop. Though i had no sense of the time, i wasn't about to guess upon it. My head was in excurtiing horror, so even when i slept it barely subsided. "Just get me my bag, okay?"
"Sure." he reached behind himself on the floor and presented my bag upward. I took it by the strap and dragged it on my lap where i sat up but everything spinned so much; i quit and went back down. My hands latched inside; and though a series of pockets out came my cellphone. I opened it up, dialed for my brother and put it to my ear.

Each ring only anguished me more. I moaned flapping to my side making the cloth fall off. More ringing. Why not pick it up? He had to!
I needed the favor!
then finally..Tomoyuki

So i wasted no time in telling me and he agreed to sent over the fever reducer medicine and strong pain pills. I cheered inside once i hung up; and dropped my phone beneath slowly. "Tomiko?"
"Is Robespierre mad at me? Is that why he hasn't come?"
"Tomiko."
Totally unfair but had to be asked. Bon-Bon like his sister refused to comment and once again I was left in the dark. Damn it. What could i do? Not much really but what?
What?
What?

"Can you answer this instead? Where is Maximilien?"
Again i was afraid to be nipped in the bud by the lack of any answer yet..yet.."Tomiko."
"Bon-Bon, why can't you tell me anything?"
Frantic i was becoming. Panicky too. He noticed and went over to hush me. To calm me, to stop me from becoming a disaster . "I'm sorry soeur." He said simply kissing my cheek but it wasn't the same. I'm sorry? Sorry? Sorry?

Not the same. "he's mad isn't he?" I now had to accept the worst possibility ever. Maximilien hated me for hurting his sister and him not being here meant he ended it. "he hates me?" Then of course I looked at my promise ring, no longer filled with joy but deepen hardness and broken dreams...broken promises. My heart was cracking then..and it did more as i grew enraged by his ignorance and ill will. "No, no..he doesn't-"

Oh good Augustin-Bon-Bon..always trying to heal and console me so when i was down as I was. He couldn't placate anymore..not anymore. I wouldn't accept that Charlotte won and Maxime had lied to me. Lied about my sort of future.
So i was another victim.

Another scam.
I wouldn't accept it!
Not at all!
He loved me! He loved me!
I could feel it when he kissed me..kissed me as he did and his gentle touching..all over..all of that...that kind of devotion..the melting of our hearts together...the stopping of any reality outside ourselves. No revolutions. None. None..the cuddling..the night he came and got me from Danton's house and i was drunker than anything.
What about everything?
Everything?
Everything?!!!!!!!!!!!

The years in Versailles ..then in Paris..my foot..everything..everything! The man that inspirsed me to find myself and finally help me have my own life...giving me the courage giving me the chance to mature, to grow..and stand up..and say no.
So what of everything?!!!
Those 2 years?!!!!!!
Those precious 2 years?!!!
Why give up now?!
Why not?!!
Had his fondness left?!

Infront of Augustin; I cried and screamed together, mixing them together, and becoming a banshee or a dying animal. How he wanted me no more! I'd have to accept those 2 years were great but it was over..over..over..
"He does Augustin.!!"
"Tomiko, that's not it at all.."

I observed him. He teared up resisting any urge to touch me, to hold me away from these accusisations; even if he did, my mind and heart would coutinue to hurt worse than my heacaches. Then my illness. Anything. Pauvre anything. "Then what is it Bon-Bon?! Why can't you tell me?" I exclaimed inbetween sobs. Inbetween my overreaction. "Tomiko, don't overreact-calm, please." Soothing. How he tried to trick me..how he..
"Tomiko, I can't tell you, unless you calm..and stop crying.."
"H-How c-can I?"

"Just stop aqnd i'll answer everything."
So that was it? Was it? I glanced at Bon-Bon through my glassy sparkling tears. Was i getting ahead of myself? Of myself? But could i really calm? Or did i just want to keep crying because emotional pain mixed with physical; the worse sort too-the flu; no doubt. Damn it. Damn it. I slowly obeyed and whatever strain he carried vanished from his crinkled up face.I had given up the struggle and Marie-Antoinette I accepted the tradition in my new home. "That's better. Much better. I can work with you a lot better."
"Tell me." I demanded weakly.

My position like the queen was on flimsy grounds according to Maxime's romantic history, unless it could be verfied as such. "Well..where do i start?"
"Earlier today with Charlotte."

"You mean yesterday."
Oh that was right. I wasn't tracking the time. Nor the day because every waking moment was one real experience to me. The gaps whether over long periods weren't any concern because i wasn't in them at all.
"Well Maxime, as i told you yesterday..he was really upset and after dinner, after you were sleeping; he came to you. Of course I stayed at your side and noticed him holding up, as wanting to gather you and kiss you and barely said much to me. From his words.. I thought at the beginning he was disappointed..but my opinion changed as he spoke more tenderly about you.

"He asked me if I had known and I answered all so truthfully as I could and I made sure to impress on him that i was natural. But i came to your defense and told him, while you showed true kindness to Charlotte; she only rejected it and you got hurt by so. And the reminding that you were never ever good enough and you were a foreigner.."
the worse.
Most defintely.
I wanted to ask more but i struggled to do so.
"then he left and went to tend to Charlotte. So after that I haven't seen him. Charlotte eitehr. But i assure you dear soeur that he loves you!! he still is fond of you and cares deeply too. I know after that..and i bet he's worried more because you're sick dreadfully."

Bon-Bon wouldn't steer me wrong.
He wouldn't.
I trusted him to be as truthful to me.
I trusted Bon-Bon..
I trusted him tellknig me, asserting me that Robespierre-no Maxime loved me ever still more. And all previous thoughts of him breaking up with me seemed distant but where was he? Where had he gone?
"Is that all?"
Weaker and meeker. I sighed as he nodded, though i could sense there was more to say but in my delicate condition, he wouldn't risk it. Not to see me freakout. Tell me when i was better but how long would i be sick?
How long?
I drifted off exasperated but relieved without the rest of the details known. relieved i was still loved.

I updated again. You guys should just love me=) Anyhow...

i'm actually getting into my own story xD these sections are quite old..but anyhow..i'll update again tomorrow.

^^ and i'm thinking about when i finished 1789; at least the first book, i'll type it up on another journal xD

here you go =

the tender kind..and soon..he helped unfreeze my heart with his care yet he never ceased holding me, never asking never questioning like Robespierre; as Augustion only cared about helping me now, putting those questions to rest and i happened to be as grateful. Grateful as ever.
"Bon-Bon?"
"Miko-chan.."
He lifted his hand on my forehead and through my messed up hair. "how are you now?"
"Better but why haven't you-?"
I blinked. "That's good."
"I'm sorry."
Final words.
Acknowledgement?
Any?


I waited again perhaps believing i wouldn't get it...I didn't deserve any of this love he offered..none..Tears once again brimmed the outlines of my eyes. my tears were on the edge again. "It's okay."
"I won't do that again, I promise but why haven't you-?"
"asked about it? Aren't you curious at all to hear why i did that?" I spoke barely in a hushed voice.
He shook his head. "Why am i to worry about your reasons? I only care for you..and besides I'm not..questions just hurt a person..and.."
"Bon-Bon, i hurt you dearly and if i could-"
I was sounding like Maximilien..but he gave me another head shake and any plans that i could have were gone then. why didn't he want to hear my reasons? for what i did? Why not? And how could questions hurt me?
"Dear sister-"
"Augustin, don't you wish to know?"
It felt right to cry again..let it spill out and drip..i had nothing to hide anymore and felt that perhaps i should tell him all...
"No miko-chan. I don't-"
"Bon-Bon..i'd gladly tell you everything..but i don't know if i'm-"
"Exactly sis. Tell me everything later. I'll listen then, i promise so. Because you must reserve your energy and you're getting a bit toasty.."
hot?
Feverish?
But so-But so-it mattered not! Whether he really meant it or not..I could barely tell nor accept any of his kindness he dotted on my head. I felt fine..yet..yet.."You will, won't you?"
"And you won't say anything of this to Maxime-?"
"Non. He won't know a thing."
I smirked.

Dear Bon-Bon out there for me so..i expected nothing less from him..nothing but.."I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't meant to offend you nor frighten you. I assure you that i'm in perfect health and of sound mind-"
He interrupted as i flaked some of my tears off. he didn't avoid me any longer. He finally came to my apologize to me..

"It's never okay to do that..i know.." I said quietly halting on what words he was to speak. "and you can't be be okay with it at all.."
"It doesn't work that way either.."

I finished heaving a nice sign and then he showed great affection by kissing me on the cheek and they did redden after so. "it doesn't matter miko-chan..whether if you were going through any tough-"
"not with Maximilien! So it can't be anything! " I interjected prisley.
Another flash of a smile.
"You said it all for me. You said what i've been thinking since we got home and..i've been so-"
Again I got excited.
"So sweet for all my trouble!"

Another lightning flash too.
Tears rung and the purity of them sprinkled. my dear brother-in-law..future brother-in-law always there for me..always..always.. "i love you bro."

That was all i could muster in me at the moment...the precious moment anyhow. "What would i do without you?" I cried lightly and he too became touched and tears reigned supreme in his cracked glaze.
"What would i-? You're the best-"
"You'll be the best brother.you haven't yelled at me or called me stupid..or anything..you've been so wonderful..even taking care of me as i ruined your surpise..I loved it too bro...I did..and I love you, doesn't convey myself to you..it can't..and i mean it sincerely too."
Understanding.
Devoting. His love. His brotherly kind.
No loud voices..nothing that could upset my condition..nothing to hurt me."Augustin-?"
I was blinded by tears clogging up all around and he just remained to silence, weeping too and hugging me suddenly..being the brother i could never have.
Never once did he do the things Tomoyuki would..Never..it only made me feel more welcomed into the family I'd marry into..and less guilt and shame too. Less shame when i had done that stunt. he made it okay.. okay..he made everything i do okay to do. Everything.
Including my stunt into the fountain. "I know you do soeur.."



I jolted upward, dreary and teary and not the good way either. The kind of teary awaken from nightmares. Dreadful kind really. Dreadful..Nightmares..Nightmares..I tried to see but realized it was just darkness and i was on the couch still but fluffied up with pillows and dozens of sheets and blankets. Then with this knowledge, i slipped back into sleep.

"ha! I beat you!"
I screeched once i saw Robespierre come into the living room and i was sitting up wide awake before him. I had gotten before him but his reaction was shocked.
"Tomiko, are you well this morning?"
'yea i am. Now aren't you to give a morning kiss?" I questioned as he blinked going ot me and pluckering those thin lips and stammering down. It was great not to feel him..to feel his lips..his lips..oh god! oh God! oh buddha! Though going out with Bon-Bon made me happy and content; i missed Maxime. "there you go..how was your day with Charlotte and whatnot?"
"Charlotte and Buissart.He's an old friend that i write to..and am still connected to. We enjoyed a cafe..-a nice little one..and we chatted for awhile..it was good my dear."
I grinned yawning.
Geninue happiness.
maybe this vacation was becoming a great idea and that we should do it more often for the sake of maximilien.
"that's great Maxime.."
"Tomiko.."
"There is so much I wish to say to you..so much that i wish..but i can hold back my love. I can though. But today..But today.."
Was was he-?

"Maximilien."
Another kiss and en exit.
I stared.
What was he struggling with? What was it?
That man seemed to have such a hidden agenda..for something..or not..I got up confused slightly and ecided to lather myself in the bathtub;  So i tipped toed to Robespierre's bedroom, obtained my bag and dragged it in the air, avoiding noise. But l was still confused. Slightly still but..
Pauvre Maximilien.
And pauvre moi, for not understanding so much.
I entered the bathroom, shut the door and went to the tub..the tub was already filled with fresh water and that gave me thought that it had been prepared for someone and could that someone be Maximilien? Besides me, he was the only one up..and maybe what he wanted to say could amount to a romantic adventure for us and maybe more too.
So it was him!
HIM! HIM!
It had to be! Who else?!
I examined around the tub to find a sparse bouquet of flowers trapped or stringed above the water's surface. I chuckled, stripping down and slowly dipping in and grabbing the bouquet, pushing it to my chest.
How wonderful..how sweet.

oh..
Oh..
Oh..
How could he of known? How could he without experience? How could he? It made me yearn for him..that sweet sweet man..he did all this..and for what? For what?
My pleasure?
I squeezed the bouquet again as i slipped down into the water, letting it be my cover. The water was warm..no..it was cool..tingly all over. It was cool enough to make me shiver..shiver away..away..But all so cool.
But just perfect to every detail..then i observed the bouquet. The flowers were bright colors-red, pink, white; all so glimmering in the protruding sunlight beaming down upon the tub. But the bouquet had a red ribbion tied around matching the colors gorgeously together.
all so glamorous.
All so romantic
so beautiful..enchanting really..darling-oh how i longed for him!! Longed to kiss him and hold him as i did before..as i did before..oh Maximilien Robespierre..how enchanting..lovely, lovely..I then brushed that bouquet down me..when the water came..I pulled them back infear. Infear of ruining it as i did Bon-Bon's surprise.
I loved them dearly, so no harm would come to them. My head went back and i yawned and stretched out my arms enjoying this life and this bath despite the lack of my washing. At even minutes, i looked at either the bouquet or my ring and always thought of my dear Maxime. My dear Maxime. Slowly my eyes shut and i barely moved in the water as i swayed my feet before removing them and lying them on the side of the tub. I then changed my mind and extended out my whole body the entire way; and my feet splashed in the water briefly before being out the way i wanted. I kept my head back, and eyes closed..

       My mind whirling as this water-this was my only private time.
Oh..

My peace of mind.
The peace from everyone and everything outside.
My peace.
It calmed me.
The water did.
And in here, i washed myself clean; i was clean in here..the water did it all..I could merge myself here and never leave and hopefully accept myself as me despite the recurring memories. I could accept it within in me.
Water did that. Wather cleansed my soul. My sould and both my head and heart..
Peace here.
But my thoughts turned elsewhere. Yes this vacation was wonderful and everlasting but what of it once it ends? I'd then have to commit myself to Paris until the revolution finishes..whenever that would be..whenever..I then swept all of me back into the tub and rolled my head straight, and my eyes were awake and then sunk more into the water almost feeling defeated somehow by something cheap. This was the final trip home. I knew. I knew it was from the start in our carriage. I figured it could only be and once he told me finally then it grew seriously dire and stuffed with sadness.
Paris.
I laced my hands about my bent up knees and hugged them for thier stability. Their strength.The bouquet floating the water now..
I had been there too..but..i snatched the bouquet up and dropped it to the floor after smelling them in and taking in again their beauty and fragnance. The intoxicating sort.
I was those flowers..and all in uncertain hands also. And i had been there before in that water remembering all i could.. I missed them but pondered about Paris and what everything or everyone was doing. How was the revolution now without us? Without us? And weren't people ever to truly notice it?
Notice the revolution?
Ever?

I dunked my head and immediately shot up gasping air with my wide mouth; succeeding again to wet my hair. Water dripped all over and i was at serenity but i kept thinking..thinking..thinking..thinking..until it was hardly standable anymore.
I noticed it.
I noticed the revolution within my friends and in Maxime too and in me also.
My head whirled and hurt ; and felt the heavyness of sleep. Of sleep..on its top.
The pressure building.
building..
I dropped my hands and my knees collasped, resting uncomfortable like..but manageable.

I yawned once more and without finishing any of my washing nor any shaving (though i hardly needed it) but i did put shampoo in my hair and take it out before.but without finishing anything else I climbed out, naked as still as death. I wrapped my towl and put it in its place; hands all free; movement free. Movement too.
I still wondered beyond my capability..about afterwards and of my friends and a revolution I couldn't control..I still wondered how it could be like in Paris all the time as such as I'd planned...with Robespierre.. I picked up the bouquet and like a bride, carried it proudly and gracefully to Maxime's roon where i crashed on his bed exhausted. Lightly sleeping.

I've decided to start writing 1789 for the sake of it. =) I couldn't resist. I really was trying to figure out in my mind how their love for each other started. I just couldn't really really resist though i figure it's more of a challenge..since my writing changed thus reflecting my character in spirit.

Goes from a hyperactive girl to a proud woman.=)

the revolution really shapes her.

anyhow. I should update real soon..at least that's what i'm hoping too

if i can stop being lazy..but i'm also writing too xD gotta plan it ahead. don't worry. I still love Robespierre all the more ^^

Sincerely

Cito-Yumi

Finally..i know! ^^

"Ohhhhh! look at everything! hey-Bon-Bon----Look!!!" I squealed propping a wig on me and posing supermodel surpressing the quivering of my laughs. He glanced up, then his eyes watered as his hand covered his mouth. "ooohh..who are you suppose to be?!!" He teased approaching more. I struck another pose.
"Shall i have to tell you?! I think we all know!!"
He patiently and pretending to have no clue gave me the face and the foot stomping with arms crossed. Genius! Did i have to tell someone about it?
Pure genius!
An Einstein perhaps.
e=mc2
mwahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!
"is it someone near and dear?" he guessed chuckling lightly still pretending with all his might. i had to break it. I decided to add a bit more to myself which was messing up my wig and buffing myself up with air to portray the masculinity of a certain someone. Still he didn't get it and i made my voice deeper. "TOMIKO!!! YOUR FANCLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Augustin doubled up and nearly fell.
Pain of laughter.
I could kill him with it....
"Ohhh! I know now!! I know now!--"
"Then say it!" I cried returning my voice to normal awaiting his fine answer. He jumped repeatedly. "It's-It's-"
Yes on the threshold..on it..on the tip of his tongue no doubt...no doubt..."Georges Danton!" He exclaimed stomping and causing maybe a mild earthquake and looks from all the customers. I clapped my hands cheering causing more eyes and whispers. I wasn't to be locked up at the Robespierre resident, i was to go out and enjoy myself and maybe make new friends too while with my dear companion by my side. "Correct-o! Your turn!" We switchedsides and he disappeared into the clothes section and came out in a dress but he wasn't done. He dabbled some of my makeup on his face and powdered his face.
OH MY GOD

He was a drag queen! A-A-A crossdresser!
Oh my god! Oh my god!

Maxime would love to hear of this!!
His own brother, the genius prading around like a woman!

"Now you guess."
I nodded in agreement as he too carried the woman's posture, her voice(as he managed)and her feelings also. he walked around moody and proudly at the exact time while keeping his ownself intact. How many women did i know? how many anyways?
A few.
But who'd act like he portrayed anyhow?
So snobby really..snobby..
Oh god! I had it! I did but it was either one of the 2 whom i was thinking about. the 2 women..? Them? Them? Who was it? I grunted in anger when it wasn't getting any easier...though this was a little game i made up and he went willingly to it holding and cherishing as he should. We were alike so we naturally we clicked more than anyone else in this revolutionary world. Though if i got it wrong, i had to pay for lunch with the money given by Robespierre ...so i couldn't possibly lose no matter what!! "hurry up sister! I think people are-"
"Forget them! I have the answer already!"
He giggled.
"You're Madame Roland!"
Either her or Charlotte. Let's see if i got it right..let's see of i'd be paying for lunch..lunch. URGH! He transfigured his face then my verdict..
"Nope! Wrong! You lose and have to pay for lunch!"
"Who was it?"
"Charlotte."
I wheeled in laughter but still a bit sore that i'd be paying for lunch here.and cafe prices were exactly cheap either. ..
"You got me! Okay I'll pay. let's put all this stuff back!" I announced taking off the wig while he conceeded, disappearing again. How fun! How delightful!
I knew i could have fun with my future brother-in-law. I knew we'd be okay but Maximilien would probably highly disapprove of our behaviour here but he didn't know what fun was..and then i realized that i didn't want to leave Bon-Bon or Arras. I loved them both and couldn't part so maybe leaving would be the hardest ever.The best fun i'd had in all of my time in France! More than being in Hokkaido. Being here, i could be the weirdest and still be accepted and turn my back on all who said anything cruel. I could. I could because i was given some of the confidence i'd been missing all my life.
I was living.
Living. My new life to the fullest and i'd enjoy it to its end!
Enjoyinh everything.
Enjoying all..
"Bon-Bon?"
Where had that boy gone?

He popped up behind me and pulled a dress over me. how do i know? because i either believed he'd do that or..i felt his breathing or the dress suddenly. I struggled in it. "Bon-Bon! What are you doing?!"
"You'll see miko-chan! you'll love me for it!"
Could i trust him?
"But close your eyes! It's my surprise!"
"Bon-Bon!" I exclaimed fully clothed in my dress over my own clothes still squirming a bit as he covered my eyes. What was he doing to me? What was he doing to me?! "Bon-Bon!"
"It's a surprise! Remember that!!"
"Bon-BON!"
If i only knew his entire name like Maxime's..so i'd be saying it all over. Screaming it all over really! If he was to do this..I'd..i'd ...If he was to give me this surprise, i'd have to be patient as best as i could without throwing any hissy fit because i had some sort of an idea, an inkling...I couldn't express. "I'll remove my hand, you'll have to keep your eyes shut..."
"Bon-Bon-!"
"Miko-chan, s'il te plait? Pour moi? Pour moi!"
Begging. I couldn't resist any of his whines as i knew he always meant well by me but still.."Bon-Bon.." But still..
"Miko-chan, it must be in order to work!!"
I sighed. He worried that i'd ruin the surprise..but it was for him tha ti would endure for. For him! "Fine but be as quick as possible, okay?" He hugged me and i felt the warmness then he drea back, the hand was removed and i did as he argued for. my eyes air tight. "You won't regret it..and..take a seat too."
I sighed. It was going to be long too..i knew..i knew..i knew..
"You'll love it sis!!"
Then his silly english became french and he spoke seriously to people there and i decided to sit..for it was to be a long time..a long while till i got up...
"Now by gentle on her! She's my sister-in-law--"
"Bon-Bon, that's not true--!"
Then silence.
Silence and then hands and the end of my words. Hands that caressed my face, up and down. ..then softness like brushed paddled my face afterwards and i twitched my foot awaiting the final part of the surprise. After a bit i zoned, my mind floated away to earlier with maximilien...he was gone now with Charlotte somewhere..but earlier i had him all..all of him..so why not twist myself in his love? Why not?

"Tomiko Takahashi, look at yourself."
"Bon-Bon?"
"Open your eyes now. Open them and you'll love it all!!"
What was i to find? No longer did i realize i felt the hands but my face was heavier now..now..now.."Don't be shy.."
"Bon-Bon-"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."
And slowly my eyes opened and i held my breath to it. But to what i saw, to what the mirrors told me..i had a makeover. A queenly makeover! The colors of my eyeshadow matched my baby blue dress except at the top near, underneath my eyebrow..dark blue..rouge cheeks..face powdered slightly white but blended to my pale skin color and..and..my plump pink lips.
and even my hair was transformed!
a single strand hung but the rest was tightly pinned up and decorated with blue and white fake flowers in a line pattern starting from the center and going back..till they disappeared and a white ribbon tied in a bow covered my back side.
Who was i?
Who was i?
Who was i?
"Bon-Bon-" I could say his name and still be as speechless as before...and he took it as a good sign..a really good one..and clumped on my shoulders together with his hands making that be his gesture of his affection. I quickly rode up and was even more astounished by the dress too. Baby blue in color but the design amazed me with its white lacing on the sleeves, the comfort of wearing it and the lace belt with the design of flowers..beautiful glowing ones.

"You are marie antoinette now.." he whispered on the air, relying on its services. The white dress couldn't compare. It couldn't..i was a queen in my right and i'd be going down. Arras in this and all the stares too!
All of them too!
But how did he know to do this?
How did he?
How did he?
I tried turning myself and asking but he dismissed it probably happy that i loved it. I loved it. I then feared i would cry and ruin the hard work so i held it in and jumped ot his arms and embraced him.
A real surprise.
A real surprise
A real surprise
I couldn't even ask any questions to it, he kept it in total secrecy..total absolute..absolute..I only freaked more about it and what it could do to me.
Marie-Antoinette
Marie-Antoinette
No..No..not her..another Marie Antoinette..I stared ahead as the strangeness enveloped me. No maria..
Who?
Who?

Queen of France..
Maria Leszczynska

memories too. Memories not mine. Memories of everything else. Why did i keep relasping into myself as i did? I was..I was..voices and..sights clouded my eyes. Hallincutions. Imaginary. Imaginary..Who was I-i-i-?
Who? Who?
Who?

Your majesty..

Reine
Reine

"Tomiko? Are you alright?"
I..knew..who i was...Tomiko..Tomiko..Tomiko..and this was Augustin..Robespierre..."I'm fine but-"
"Hey you can't lie to me!"
I fell grave and somber and suddenly i realized this to be my mistake. It was nice but i couldn't accept it.

"Bon-Bon wipe it all off! Bon-Bon--"
He watched me scramble for a wash cloth and stopped me; and i was sort of discouraged it was all over, that he had stopped me..he stopped me as he did..."Tomiko?" I saw his eyes. Concern.
"Bon-Bon, this isn't right! I don't belong in this dress nor this makeup! It's not me!" I yelled to legalitmized my reasons without stomping on his heart..and his gift. But the longer i stayed, the longer the memories stemmed. Memories that weren't mine.memories from a different person..from Maria Leszczynska. Queen of France.
Oh god!
Oh god!
Oh buddha!
Did it mean that the buddhist crap was true?
Was i her?
Maria Leszczynska?
Was i reincarnated form her?
Damn! Who knew! I just had to run a way and take it all off but i was a on separate front which prevented me..i was going to hurt my companions's feelings but why couldn't i be selfish? SELFISH?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why must i respect his or anyone's feelings?
Why?

"Miko-chan.."
All defalted..

I escaped then..running..out into Arras..running away..passed the markets, passing the staring. Passed my failing heart.
Knowing who i was inside...wondering if i'd been pretending to be someone else.So if i was her, then why was i here? Why?
And did i love Maxime?
Did i?
"Tomiko! Tomiko slow down! Slow down!!!!!!!!!!"

I was a queen. A queen. An enemy of the revolution. Now i couldn't be his wife. I couldn't be his bride. Just running away..running away..heading to the fountain, heading to drown myself. To drown..to float by..
Who cared if my foot pained? Who cared if it hurt and ached?
Who did?
I wasn't really who i claimed to be.l.and i couldn't stay in France any longer...or anymore..I was a fraud. A fake. A soul gone through, so who cared if i was Tomiko? I was-I am a empty shell..a body..to my soul..no..her soul

"MIKO-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tears blinded my face and i nearly crashed and fell before reaching the fountain ..before..
I had to distance myself now and go home..go home to a empty new life...
"TOMIKO, DON'T!!!!!!"

The fountain i saw.
The fountain i came to.
The fountain i fell into admist screaming of people. Of people. Water...If i stayed here long enough I'd drown and i wouldn't deal with it anymore.
Tomiko..

The water and i met face forward..then i took a breath cutting my air supply making my act seem suicidial..but that wasn't my intent..i just wanted to float away in the water..The water would lead me away..dangling...dangling.."Tomiko! I'll save you!!!"
Bon-Bon.
He'd save me. Save me here but not from myself..his hands..his arms pulled me out and he desired I had closed my eyes.
"Tomiko..Tomiko.."
I couldn't hear more of him nor the people around. They were my background noise..my background noise..then platters of tears. here now..his sobbing. His sobbing.
Then the feeling melted away and i realized perhaps i had been rash and been crazy with the fear of being not me that i did this stunt. maybe then..and all because i knew who i was by the sound of my name.

Sobbing fit

Sobbing and terrified gasps.

Breathless but in arms that could deliver me away..arms i knew..familiar arms..familiar everything in me. My name over again. My name repeated again. My name again by my dear companion.
I had given him quite the scare and i thought by doing or saying anything more would trigger too much emotion in him..in him..
Yet either away..he'd be taken too away from me. "D-Do I-I-Did i ruin my make up?" I whispered choking and coughing up bits of water in very small amounts as i'd been under a brief minute or two.
Was he upset at me?
At me?
"Don't cry-save your pure tears.."
I caught myself as it was coming back on me. Must i fight it so? must i? My head  was clearer now although it happened at a price i couldn't imagine paying for, though i paid it now..I paid now.."Tomiko.."
His eyes..his shock.
I just wanted to go home and out of this..home..back in Robespierre's bed..then a flash of his smile. "You worry about that but not about-"He paused thoughtfully then broke into weeping again..and the stroking of my ruined hair. The day was bad because of me..of me..of me..I did not deny the facts..and i had nearly hurt Bon-Bon because of my misguided selfishness. yet he still saved me .saved me from drowning and i couldn't save myself and come to a stronger realizations of who i was inside.
So if i was queen of France.
Then  my stint of such happened to be over and i was here in a different person.
How confusing but one thing came to me..i wasn't fake. I was me...for the time being.
and i did love Maxime..I was Tomiko Takahashi..despite the overwhelming memories coming back and hurting me. They were a part of me..though i couldn't figure why they had came out in France in this time period..in revolutionary France. But oh well...i was better now and not dead. Not dead.
"You look as beautiful miko-chan..a queen still."
"Nah..n-not a queen Bon-Bon..don't make that mistake anymore. Don't.."
I longed for home..home..and i tugged on him to signal this and despite my lack of fluency, he understood. Maybe he too wanted to bury himself at home. He picked me up and got a carriage to take us the rest of the way home on the modest Rue Des Rapporteurs where i could lie down at. I was stuffed in but i wasn't granted silence, he cried the way-the entirely way which i remained stotic.

but feeling for him underneath.
Underneath my heart for what i caused. I couldn't be more sorry and I expressed this as i was settled on the couch of the living room, finally stressed and crying. And that was what he observed from his now dried eyes..as i was clothed by sheets to warm up my already frozen heart. He hugged me and waited on protectively. All for me..


Pauvre Bon-Bon
Pauvre Bon-Bon.
He, in between his sudden fits sought to bring me clothes-dry..all from my bag; and he did so.
But i feared getting up and.but it was solved by his devotion.

I just moved out of state and i'm still kind of getting adjusted but i shall update this weekend or so..if i don't get a job. anyhow. ^^

enjoy

sorry about my lack of updates and i'm still working on 1793 so it's been cool.

xd

- sincerely

Ayumi